“Mom, I need to talk to you about something weird I’m doing. I can’t help it, and I really hate it, but I can’t stop.” Grayson’s voice on the other end of the line is flat and dejected. Borderline despairing. “Okay,” I respond, sitting down and forcing a slow inhale, “tell me what’s going on.” […]
Shamed Hearts, Soft Hands Read More »
“In the middle of the road in my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.” The Divine Comedy – Dante Alighieri * Thank you, good Dante, for speaking plainly, in terms of what is, and not of what was, nor of what should be. But for simply speaking the
Nigredo: My Lament Read More »
It’s a strange thing to read your own memoirs, even when you are the one who wrote them. Last Friday, I ironically finished my final round of proofreads in the very hotel we stayed when Caleb, our oldest, was in a coma after his rollover accident. Everything about Friday was surreal: wrapping up a very
Hotel Chicken Wings and Teary Thresholds Read More »
A well-known author once said the worst reason to write a book is to save yourself. Maybe she’s right. But in hindsight, that’s why I wrote mine. I was groping around blindly in the dark, vomiting, then deleting word after word, struggling to rephrase them in the most true way. Somehow in the process, I
My “Heartbreaking, Soul-Healing, Amazing, Awful, Ordinary Life” Read More »
Grayson, my Autistic seventeen-year-old son, has been home from boarding school this week getting his wisdom teeth removed. He doesn’t very speak often of his Autism, but this morning, he asked me–quite out of the blue–what it was like when I found out he was Autistic. He wanted to know if it made me like
Un-Autistic Feeling Autism Read More »
I sat in my car yesterday morning, mindlessly staring out my window at the elementary school playground and waiting for my daughter to emerge from our local coffee shop with two steaming morning lattes. Involuntarily, my eyes focused in on a mother walking her son into school—hand in hand. At once, my chest constricted, and
The Wild (but Glorious) Edge of Sorrow Read More »
Several years ago, it occurred to me that I was living a life I did not wish to be living. I was stressed, angry, and completely un-peaceful. I was constantly frantically rushing, driven by the confines of time as dictated by my calendar. In short, my life felt out of control, or, in other words,
To REspond or DEspond? That is the Question. Read More »
*Disclaimer and warning: I am setting myself up for major judgment by writing this post. There is nothing admirable in my following words. Any parenting skills are abhorrently MIA, and my actions are questionable at best. There is no point, no glimmering lesson. It is simply a stark, bare naked sliver of our reality, written
July 23, 2022 – Part 1: Regarding Fear Yesterday, Arin and I spent an hour-and-a-half hiking up and down the grassy knolls of our new property and exploring the winding ravines that snake through the bottom of what I’ve secretly labeled “the spooky forest.” Right off, we saw a coyote big enough to be a
The Chains That Bind Us Read More »
Here is Grayson, my sixteen-year-old autistic son, on his second day of work. No, he’s not the kid sitting on the stool with the blurred face. He’s the one hiding behind the white “Skip the Line” sign. A family friend has entered the movie theater, so Grayson has ducked out of sight until she has
Donning the Sacred Faded Polo Read More »
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