“Mom, I need to talk to you about something weird I’m doing. I can’t help it, and I really hate it, but I can’t stop.” Grayson’s voice on the other end of the line is flat and dejected. Borderline despairing. “Okay,” I respond, sitting down and forcing a slow inhale, “tell me what’s going on.” […]
Shamed Hearts, Soft Hands Read More »
“In the middle of the road in my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.” The Divine Comedy – Dante Alighieri * Thank you, good Dante, for speaking plainly, in terms of what is, and not of what was, nor of what should be. But for simply speaking the
Nigredo: My Lament Read More »
It’s the night of October 25, 2024. I’m the only one home, and literally, alone on a mountain. The word “vanity” has been rolling around my mind the last few days, and I feel determined to understand why. The critic in me feels certain an ugly internal truth lies at the end of this curious
Civilized Vanity or Barbaric Beauty? Read More »
What do you do with grief that feels gray? Which compartment do you stuff it in when it’s not black, suffocating, agonizing, blaring, or concrete? Is there such a thing as “gentle grief?” Can it even be called “grief” if your heart still feels settled in your chest? What do you do when grief is
I never knew it was possible To fall in so love with every tree, each leaf, the way they quiver individually and yet collectively…the sound of the world breathing. I never knew it was possible To feel so at ease, so at home in one place, on this planet. But somehow it is. And somehow
Falling into the Collective Whole Read More »
I cannot remember the books I’ve eaten more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me. ―Ralph Waldo Emerson We are dating. Despite my boyfriend’s head filling my lap, I peruse my textbook and try to memorize important facts for our shared humanities class. Arin has yet to purchase his, though
Becoming the Books We Read Read More »
Grayson, my Autistic seventeen-year-old son, has been home from boarding school this week getting his wisdom teeth removed. He doesn’t very speak often of his Autism, but this morning, he asked me–quite out of the blue–what it was like when I found out he was Autistic. He wanted to know if it made me like
Un-Autistic Feeling Autism Read More »
“We fail to understand the Divine, not because we aren’t able to extend our concepts far enough, but because we don’t know how to begin close enough.” –Abraham Heschel- August 15, 2022 I took the kids to eat at a fast food restaurant yesterday after church. The Cracker Barrel had waiting lines out the door,
“Close Enough” Divine Encounters Read More »
July 5, 2022 I am mid-stride in the kitchen when the darkness hits. Without warning, it rolls in as quickly as the afternoon thunderstorms, although my darkness feels much more smothering and muggy. Siphoning my breath and dousing my previous exuberance, the darkness accosts me, demanding an immediate account for my actions: What have you
The Sinewy Connections of Life, Death, Longing, and Fear Read More »
July 3, 2022 “Your Aspens look diseased,” my mom offhandedly remarks from the breakfast table overlooking one of our many new-to-us Aspen groves. “You could get an arborist to come up here and take a look,” she suggests. Instantly, my chest tightens with stress—yet another expense, one more item on my to-do list, and my
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